January 2010
Notes from Goddamn twitter
@AskOzzie:
@Jamesspeaks:
Fraud - Some shithead in Pearland TX just took 200 dollars out of my account at a Kroger. Fuck you Pearland… tumblr.com/x0j5yju…
Blame an entire town for 1 idiot. Thanks! How bout this: Every1 on twitter are dumbasses bcuz ur a dumbass! Sorry bout wallet.
God damn twitter morons. This tardbus read part of my post and just HAD to defend his suburban strip-mall...
Wherein Moose the Kitten Totally Horks Her Derp
jen: Okay, fun story: she just horked in a pair of your underpants.
james: Wow.
jen: She's got good aim.
james: If they were on the floor they were dirty. What did you do with them?
jen: Well, if they weren't before, they sure as hell are now.
james: Or did you just leave it there?
jen: Nothing yet. It literally just happened. What would you like me to do with said horked upon undies?
james: Uh...shit. The [laundry] lady is going to think I shat myself. You know what, toss them.
jen: Yeah? It's just clear liquid, dude.
james: Still... unless you'd like to rinse them out. The hork is going to start smelling.
jen: This is an awesome conversation.
james: And I don't want to just put them in the laundry bag cause I don't know how long until I can do laundry again.
jen: I don't particularly want to handle your soiled AND horked upon briefs.
james: They aren't soiled just horked upon.
jen: You said if they were on the floor, they were dirty. Hence "soiled". I don't know what you do.
Computer Helpdesk Chat
thefrogman: who needs help with something?
Shawnee: me!
thefrogman: what's the problem my dear?
Shawnee: im in love with kevin rose...
Shawnee: and i just dont know what to do with my self
thefrogman: did you try turning him off and on again?
Shawnee: yes
Shawnee: neither worked
thefrogman: clearly you must grab his usb dongle
thefrogman: and plug it into your port
Shawnee: Should I spray my port with one of those dustfree cans?
thefrogman: there is dust in your port?
thefrogman: how long has it been since you used it? have you had your drivers tested for viruses?
Shawnee: oh I am a Mac
Shawnee: It's been a good few months since I have plugged anything foreign into my port
Shawnee: only native hardware
Fraud
Some shithead in Pearland TX just took 200 dollars out of my account at a Kroger. Fuck you Pearland TX Kroger asshole. That money is mine!
Watchazizisbored:
What Paul said. Amen.
paulscheer:
This is one of the best things I’ve seen in a long time. Check out this ridiculous violent and amazingly insane intro video for an Alaskan College Hockey Team.
This is most violent polar bear I’ve ever seen.
Plan C [Popping Pills] →
(via nerdbadge)
Plan D [Running really fast into a belly high railing]
Plan E [Ridiculous 3 day bender]
Plan F [Leap from moving car, belly flop]
Tracking a stolen iPhone →
nerdbadge:
Vicki McCool!!!!
You may find Vicki McCool, but the strange Frenchman will be long gone!
Favorite Favorites 2009 (oh my god crying and...
fireland:
aedison / Actually, it’s pronounced “pedant.” erikprice / You people aren’t going to believe what the Indians used to call corn.
jasonpermenter / I know Thanksgiving’s a few days away, but I just don’t know if I can wait to hand out smallpox blankets to the neighborhood kids!
JephKelley / At a wine tasting. Haha more like wine “gulping” the way I’m doing it. No YOU’RE pathetic shutup...
J.D. Salinger dead at 91 →
Cuddle Class couches come to coach on Air New... →
nerdbadge:
Another reason to feel bad about being single. Whatever. I don’t care. I’ll book three seats and make a new friend to cuddle with. Next time I fly to New Zealand, that is…
Isn’t it going to be hard to make new friends while your singing Dashboard Confessional to yourself while dressed in all black? EMOGAY.
lyndseydyan:
fmylife:
Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML
Uh…if your grandpa marries someone they do not become your aunt.
...
“We were fractious and overpaid. Our mornings lacked promise. At least those of...”
– Joshua Ferris, Then We Came to the End (via first-lines)
It's Tuesday Night So You Know What That Means
fireland:
“Princess Leia! You will tell me the location of your hidden rebel base! I bet it’s in your panties!”
“Please don’t use that word.”
“That’s it! Bring in … the probe droid.”
“Hang on a sec.”
“What’s a matter, princess? Scared of the feelings my probe droid gives you? Titillated by the prospect of being probed real good?”
“Are you trying to do the torture scene with that floating...
“Ava Gardener on Frank Sinatra: “Well, yeah, he only weighs 120, but 100...”
– DrCrypt
Nice.
Is the Mona Lisa really Leonardo Davinci in drag? ... →
